Unhealthy Relationships | First Toxic Relationship
You will shine.
I've been wanting to blog about this for so long, even years. Why haven't I? For numerous reasons but the main reason was I did not have an outlet to write about it. I also stayed in silence. However, now that I am confident and stronger than ever, I am here to share my personal experience with you all.
Throughout the years, I've learned that so many people go through similar experiences. We all just don't use our voice. We stay quiet. I am here to let you know that it's time. It's time to voice up and speak about your growth and past. I am here to share you mine. I am going to talk about how I'm learning about healthy vs unhealthy relationships, my first toxic relationship and how it affected me in my life.
Healthy vs Unhealthy, Where did it stem from?
For those that did not grow up in a great healthy household, you are not alone. I did not grow up in a loving fantastic normal household. I did grow up with parents but one was an alcoholic. If you know about a thing or two about alcoholics, you know that they are not mentally there, although they claim to be. Realistically, alcoholics have this disease where they cannot efficiently raise well-rounded kids because they are not all there emotionally or mentally. They have this addiction where it takes over them and they are not able to function in a healthy way. Relationships with their children are jeopardized, they have low self-esteem, and the list can go on. Throughout the years, I realized that the way one lives their life as an adult, they were programmed a specific way growing up. They way you grow up from your parents is the way you are going to live your life.
For me, I was never validated. My feelings and emotions were never validated. Being near an alcoholic, you were always there to make sure they are fine, even if you were five years old. You grew into an adult even though you're a child. So for many of us who grew up like this, grew up codependent.
What is codependency? There are different definitions about this and this topic has been around for decades. Overall, one definition is:
Codependency involves sacrificing one’s personal needs to try to meet the needs of others. Someone who is codependent has an extreme focus outside themselves. Their thoughts and actions revolve around other people, such as spouses or relatives, by goodthearpy.
I came across this two years ago by my best friend (since she studied psychology) and I became enlightened this past year to read and educate myself on this and how it affects relationships in my life.
I watched YouTube videos, rented out so many books over the year and even went to groups to educate myself and work on myself.
How Codependency Affected Me In Relationships
As a person who is highly sensitive of others and can empathize with others, I did not realize that I am a good person who attracted insecure men. I am a person who is now educated on this and I can speak from experience.
When you are a person who bends over backwards for people, you open yourself to abuse and as well as people who will take advantage of you. I was not confident in myself nor have self respect. I was not assertive. I had behaviors such as care-giving that people who are not healthy for you will want to take.
My first toxic relationship with an insecure narcissistic
As I mentioned in another post, I wrote about what I would say to my nineteen year old self. I wrote that if I knew what I know now, I would build the confidence up at such a young age to avoid these type of insecure narcissistic men.
In college I was dating this insecure young boy who would come in and out of my life. It was my first boyfriend and I thought that I was very in love. This guy knew that I was insecure and not confident about myself. I did not have the confidence to say no, I did not have any boundaries with him. He came to "love bomb" me by saying all the nice things that narcissist men say, "you are the only one I've ever loved, you are my best friend, my soulmate, you are beautiful, it's always been you, etc" He would buy me flowers, and take me out to sweet places, which only lasted a short time. Like many insecure women, I believed him. When you are not educated about this type of stuff, you are going to believe everything that these type of guys say, it's normal. You are not aware of the love bombing stage. You are probably an empath and highly sensitive and these type of men can sense that from a mile away.
Being a codependent and trying to fix and take care of someone, I manifested this insecure guy. He would say all the "right" things but his actions were different. He did mediocre things and then say things that just provoked me to declare my love for him and to boost his ego. In healthy relationships, it's okay to talk about things when you are insecure but then work on changing it to feel secure. However this guy did not know how to talk about his feelings. It was like he was confused and lost and wanted for someone to take care of him. He broke up with me once and left me heart broken (he was my first boyfriend) so obviously I was. I was so unsure about myself that I did not try to grow, until I decided to travel to California for a semester.
I went to California
I decided after a year to study and travel to California in 2014. When I did decide that, this guy came back into my life after being gone for months after breaking up with me. He would tell other people that he missed me and that I was the one etc. Now you might say the timing is interesting and I realized after it's because this guy did not want me to date anyone else. As foolish as I was, I took him back. We started to date again and the first red flag popped up. I came across this girl who claimed she was dating him and had pictures of him attending her birthday the same day this boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me. I saw this and my anxiety came. If this happens, this is your body trying to tell you something, listen to it. This guy was lying to me but I chose to stay quiet. I chose this guy to tell me the things I wanted to hear. Unhealthy!
Right before I left, we went out and the other girl found out about me online. She was blowing up his phone telling him good luck with me and that she no longer wanted to be with him. He told me she was "crazy" and she would stalk him etc. Literally all signs of a narcissistic insecure guy who was wearing a mask. As insecure as I was, I stayed to believe him. I believed she was crazy. The stories he would tell me. She would "creep" on his Tumblr and "go on another girls page for hours," and made me think like wow this girl really is crazy. I stayed with him because he needed a new supply. He needed someone who was insecure, unsure of herself, who needed validation all the time from him, who he needed to control and lie to. He needed someone like me who can make him the center of attention in my life.
Until History Repeats Itself
I went to California with anxiety from this relationship. I already knew this guy was lying to me about where he was the time he couldn't hang out with me, and I just had a feeling that he was just not right. I left to California with intentions of exploring, meet new people and grow. I did. Traveling to California opened up my eyes and helped me find my passion to travel. I got to meet my best friend, I saw different cities and new people. I was truly enjoying being out there but inside, my anxiety from being in this relationship was draining me.
He would hang out with friends and other people which was fine to me. However his behavior was off. He would hang out with another girl which he would not tell me about. Red flags ladies/people. He would never tell me the truth about anything even though deep down I knew the truth. He would gaslight me, manipulate me and question my own sanity. He wouldn't tell me the truth about hanging out with friends, he would be deceitful and my anxiety would get worse. He would hang out secretly with this girl. I found out about her just like how the previous girl found out about me. Online through Tumblr. As a smart girlfriend, I checked and learned about her and her motives. She was obsessed, she would say that she was in love and she knew about me, that I was so pretty and she was ugly, and that he would never date her even though she was in love with my boyfriend at the time. Really insecure obsessed stuff. I brought her up and he continued to lie and gaslight me. I had a gut feeling and I needed to do something about this. I needed to get rid of this guy who was cheating on me emotionally/physically.
Narcissistic insecure men seek new supply before the relationship ends
My mind and body was telling me all this time about this guys red flags and as an empath and codependent, I tried giving this person the benefit of the doubt. I decided I needed to end things with him. This was a toxic unhealthy relationship. I ended up calling him and telling him things that he did not have anything to say because he knew that I knew the truth. I grew the strength and I broke up with him. I never wanted to hear from him again and I wanted to finally move on from him. I blocked him from everything and he emailed me. I did not answer that guy back and he knew that it was officially over. I was not going to take back a person who was insecure, narcissistic and who had done me wrong. I decided to work on myself, build up my confidence and grow.
A month later he went to his new supply.
At first I was hurt and realized that I was right all along, until I moved on.
My anxiety disappeared, my confidence went back up, I got to travel more in my life. I was moving on and realized that I attracted insecure men. Insecure men love to be with insecure women. I am happy that I educated myself on these type of people and was saved from God. I was saved from this type of toxic relationship. I do not ever want to reopen doors with these men. These type of people are never truly happy and it's okay for you to move on and be happy knowing that.
When this happens to you, you realized that social media is a place where people will fake everything. And they want you to check and make you feel like they've won. But in reality, there is no competition when you are not checking. There is no competition if you don't involve them in your life. Use your voice and speak out against people who use you and find the strength to realize that you are going to be doing much better than what you putted up with. You need to educate yourself on narcissistic toxic people so that you do not attract people like this or even worse!
Years later, I look back and that was the beginning of my realization of unhealthy relationships. It all stems from how you are programmed to think relationships are like. It all starts with educating yourself by reading about this, watch YouTube videos on narcissistic men, insecure men, codependency, groups and find the strength in you to use your voice.
I am so grateful after a couple of years, I chose to end relationships that drain you. I am happy that I am at a place where I am confident in myself and will listen to her gut instinct. I am not insecure. Even when I was in a relationship after, I did not feel insecure to check on the ex-girlfriend because I did not care. Some people will stay checking up on you, waiting for you to see you fail and stay hurting. Grieve but move on. Educate yourself and remember, you are a good person. You just need to educate yourself on letting go toxic people, change your mindset from your upbringing and live your best life.
They aren't truly happy just because they overshare on the internet, this is backed up from research from Northeastern University. So stop checking, move on and be happy that you saved yourself a life long insecure relationship!
Believe in yourself and be free.
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